I don’t want to love again

I met him 7 years ago. It was the era of staying late at night talking on messenger; it was a night I wasn’t going to forget.

I started talking to him and it made an impression, when I looked at his photo I had an idea that crossed my mind “I’m going to marry him”, not strange for a girl my age.

This strange habit of messaging every night didn’t change, and actually it got more intense with time. He didn’t live close to my town, so it wasn’t easy to see him, but we didn’t care.

I was raised in a very conservative christian-household, I wasn’t allowed to go out late at night, have boyfriend, go to parties, have sleepovers, or any of the ordinary kids have; so imagine me asking them permission to travel for 3 hours just to see a guy. It wasn’t going to happen. Therefore I created a plan to escape and see him. Now that I think about it, it’s funny how a girl like me would risk so much for someone she didn’t know well.

When I saw him though, in that moment I didn’t feel the same way he felt and we talked for a while, and then that was it… All effort, nights spent talking to him just done… And I can’t even remember why.

On my way of growing up, I left my house and started living by myself. Moved to a bigger city and between working and studying had no time for a relationship, I was always very focused on my goals.

Living in the big city I found him again, it was crazy.. We weren’t teenagers anymore, he was studying, I was focused on my stuff and we just clicked. This time it did happen.

We dated for a while, we felt in love like kids again and we had a great time. We used to spend afternoons together at the park, just holding hands and looking at each other’s eyes. We had this special place where it was just the two of us.

Time flied and it was a while having this special thing, one day I was at work and I got a call from a friend telling me that this person I was so found of was cheating on me….

I was such a sad time for me.

A lot of things happened and we broke up… Months passed… I was devastated… to the point I didn’t want to love anymore…. I will never get to know his side of the story but I know he couldn’t have had a good time with what he did to me.

In all that time I didn’t call texted or even made an effort to reach out to him, until one day I saw him again.

To be honest in my mind he was THE ONE and I thought he was going to be the only one for me, that story you tell when you are old and how you passed that and now you’re happy… well that didn’t happen.

I knew he wasn’t going to change so I said goodbye… Finally and moved on.

A year later I found the man I am married to and now I am happy.

The reason I am sharing this story with you is because I know sometimes we go through very hard breakups and we don’t think we’ll make it.. But I can tell you that will change.. You will pass that.

Love yourself, respect yourself and believe you deserve the best and you should never settle.

Love Always,

Fernanda B.